Johnny Golfer Mystery Tour debacle 2008

Many of us had not a little trepidation at the prospect of Stuart organising this year's Johnny Golfer, fears that Stuart did nothing to assuage by keeping the destination a secret and refusing all offers of help.

So it came as little surprise when our worst fears were realised on Sunday September 7th in central London as we were delivered from our meeting point just off Pall Mall to a dingy basement in Soho for 4 hours on an indoor golf simulator.  Whilst these sorts of places may be fine for those Londoners who fancy a bit of fun after a hard day in the office, it is not what we expect on a Johnny Golfer trip.  Salt was rubbed in the wound when it turned out that the advertised "lunch will be provided" had in fact not been organised at all and we had to make do with takeaway pizza and lite beer.

Surely, we thought, things can only get better.

Oh how wrong we were.

Upon opening the brochure our eyes immediately fell on the words "lovingly prepared by the wife of the organiser".  Nervously scanning the rest of the document, we found little substance to answer any of our questions:  Where was the itinerary?  Where had our deposit gone?  All, we were told, would be revealed.

On a side note, to most of the world Hewlett Packard is synonymous with printing but apparently not to Stuart.  Even though he works for HP, he chose to use Apple to print the brochure.  Note to Mark Hurd CEO of HP:  One down 24,999 to go.

Next stop on our mystery tour and it's back in the cabs and off to Stansted airport.  For those of us who had already forked out to fly to London for apparently no good reason, the prospect of another flight was too good to be true.  Much the same could be said for those well stacked in air miles who saw their deposit money being frittered away.

After a touch of Crab and Chablis at the airport (the sole highlight of day 1) it was off to Prestwick and then another cab ride to our b&b overlooking the famous old links. Sadly, at 11pm on a Sunday night Prestwick is effectively shut so early nights all round for the boys.

So Monday morning dawns and we finally get to play some real golf and on one of the favourites from tours past, Prestwick Golf Club, the home of the Open Championship and also famously the location of Stuart's "hole in one" back in 96.

In fairly benign conditions, Bruce carded the best round with 40 points, even driving the last green before 3 putting for his par. Horrible and Monkey also recorded fine scores whilst Andy picked up the tab for lunch with his 21 points.

A quick bite and then back in the cabs to be whisked off to Prestwick docks where, at vast expense, Stuart had hired us the use of a boat for the week to get us over to Port Ellen on Islay and then to Campbeltown. The fact that both of these places have airports seems to have been missed by Stu's scrupulous research for the tour. Three and a half hours later we're in Port Ellen, another cab, another late meal, another early night.

Bright and early Tuesday morning we're up for a 9am tee off at The Macrie golf club, a lovely course in unspoilt surroundings, a nice change from the usual links courses which are typically boarded by railways and caravan parks.  Sadly, the heavens opened at the turn and everyone was thoroughly drenched in the torrential rain and wind which makes Taco's 35 points seem all the better when everyone else carded in the 20's.

Monkey got the lunch in with his 20 points before (rush, rush, rush) we're off again for another boat ride.  This time it's across to the mainland on a proper ferry as the weather is too rough for our MTB and to Campbeltown where we'll be staying for 4 nights.

Wednesday and the last of the 3 practice rounds before the competition proper. Another windy day and we're playing Dunaverty golf club at the bottom of the peninsula. Not a long course, but hilly and tough in these conditions but that doesn't stop Simon posting 42 points. Andy, struggling off his 15 handicap, only manages 26 points and already looks a shoe-in for the wooden spoon but it's Stuart with only 24 points that pays for lunch.

No food being available in the clubhouse we nip down the road to our first pub of the week (a fact that partially explains why the hangover prize was not awarded again this year).

Back to the hotel and finally we can relax after a round of golf. Auction and pairings out of the way we're down to the home stretch.

Thursday morning and the first of the 2 championship rounds both to be played at Machrihanish golf club. Although the wind is at it's strongest so far at 30mph, for the first time in the week we see the sun. First out are Derek, Taco and Monkey followed by Bruce, Horrible and Lucky and lastly Stuart, Simon and Andy.  The first 9 are not too difficult but turning back into the wind and the scores plummet.

As the players gather in the clubhouse the question is who will be in the Group of Death? Well, leading is Derek with Taco and surprisingly Stuart not far behind. The Crick Neck group will be the reunited Chicksville boys and the GoD is Lucky, Horrible and 9 points adrift, Andy.

The final round sees the wind drop, the sun stay out and Derek hold onto his lead to claim his second title with Gomez in 2^nd and Bruce in 3^rd. Taco scooped the Aggregate prize and thereby shot 4 places up the order of merit, Derek took home the Putter after being consistently magic on the greens and Stuart took the Driver.

At the tail end there was no escape for Andy, his only commiseration being that he'd snapped up Derek for a tenner in the auction.

As to the non-golfing prizes, there was little surprise (except to Stuart) where the Tosser award went. Neither the hangover not perv trophies were awarded due to lack of opportunity.

Postscript:  A final boat ride back to Prestwick in the MTB before we wave farewell to Captain Hook and his family as they drive off in their brand new BMW.  Stuart seems genuinely bemused as to why he's managed to get the tosser award for such a "splendid trip".  Completely clueless.  The only person happy is Tony who until now was responsible for the worst trip.  Ah, Barney the Dinosaur, all is forgiven.

We enjoy a final round of Texas Scramble at Dundonald golf course before flying back to Stansted. That is apart from Andy who can't wait to get away and rearranges his flights to leave earlier, hopefully so he can start planning next year's trip.  Bring it on.